Discipline Using 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan, PhD

Book Review by Tonya Foust Mead

My child is a rambunctious seven year-old.  He has a mind of his own, he doesn’t like being told what to do, when to do it, or how to do it. In short, I have a little tyrant.  It is hard to believe that this was the same child that allowed us to by-pass the terrible twos and the turbulent threes.  Our child was the perfect child. No teething issues, no diaper rash, no upset stomach—nothing, zilch, nada.

Our blessed days are over- or so we thought, until I found this book, 1-2-3 Magic, written by Thomas Plelan, clinical psychologist and expert on Attention Deficit Disorder.  A summary of some his best strategies follow.

Count to 3

Counting to 3 is a strategy used by my parents and grandparents, perhaps yours as well.  I made a few missteps; the cycle of counting, using reasoning, counting again, getting upset, giving a lecture and then counting again—this time-tested strategy never seemed to work as well as it did when I was disciplined by my parents, grandparents and other relatives. I’ve never understood how it worked or why it worked until I read the complete strategy in fine print.

            First-  say, ‘That’s one.’- Wait for the appropriate behavior from your child

Keep your mouth shut

Do not reason with your child

Show no emotion

Remember if you have to count, your child already knows he/she has done something wrong

Next- say, ‘That’s two.’- Wait for the appropriate behavior from your child

Finally- count three- Wait for the appropriate behavior from your child

Say, ‘Take five.’- Child is sent to his/her room for a time out

Use Praise Often

Phelan coins the term, SPVF or Sloppy Positive Verbal Feedback for giving praise often. To avoid the risk of sounding too sugary, lenient and permissive (parenting styles that can lead to the onset of childhood deviancy), Phelan suggests that parents praise children in a random, irregular fashion.  To add to the impact of praise, tailor your praise to match your child’s personality, strengths and temperament. To a shy child,  an elaborate praise statement may lead to embarrassment.  To a self confident child, a mere ‘thanks,’ goes a long way. Using a ratio of 2 positive statements for every one negative statement directed at the child is a recommendation.

Implement Fines

Children and adolescents old enough to earn an allowance may also reap the negative consequences of  poor behavior and disobedience in the form of fines or withholding video game or television viewing time, telephone usage, or visits to see friends.

Structured Routine

Kids crave structure and a routine by which to manage their day. To encourage your child to complete his/her homework, consider maintaining a schedule with minor variations on the weekend.  Phelan recommends the following daily after-school routine:

• Arrival from school
• Eat a snack
• Relax, stress down time for 30-45 minutes
• Complete homework for 30 minutes to 1 hour
• Eat dinner
• Watch television, play videos, etc.
• Retire for bed

Positive-Negative-Positive Feedback

After reading this tactic, I thought about the way in which I communicate with my best friends or people at work. Upon encountering my best friend, I’ll always say something positive, ‘Hi, nice hair.’ Or, ‘Oh, did you workout yesterday? It really shows.’ If I need to provide some honest albeit negative feedback, I’ll particularly stress something positive before I say something negative, ‘Hi, nice hair.’ And then I’ll quickly follow with,  ‘But, did your stylist have to cut it that short?’ ‘It makes your ears look funny.’ Finally, I’ll end again with something positive, ‘Well, don’t worry your hair grows fast anyway.’

What Phelan suggests is that we use the same communication strategy with our kids, particularly when discussing homework and school assignments.  We should attempt to treat our children with as much delicacy as we treat our best friends.  He argues, ‘kids will never want to bring you anything if your first response is consistently to shoot from the hip with criticism.’

There are other strategies in this book, I found helpful as well as chapters written for teachers and parents of adolescents and a special section on self esteem.

 
In reading this book, I found it helpful, particularly as a new mother. For all of you seasoned parents in need of a pep talk or to reinforcement for what you are already doing well, this might be a fine read.

Dr. Mead, PhD, MBA, MA http://www.ishareknowledge.com is a consultant specializing in human behavior, school and social psychology. She can be contacted at: tonya@ishareknowledge.com